Swine Flu - I'm ready....

We are all doomed I tell you

Swine flu - it's all the papers and the radio are full of at the moment. Apparently our government is 'fully prepared' for the outbreak, which as anyone who has lived here for any length of time can tell you is government speak for 'We're utterly fucked'. Since apparently most people in the world are going to die from pig flu because unlike bird flu you don't actually have to sleep with a chicken over a prolonged period in order to catch it, I thought I'd better be prepared for what might happen. So, I sat down to watch the very informative documentary on this subject, "28 Days Later". Although that appeared to be monkey virus, I'm quite sure that the basic principle is the same. Being ahead of the game I know where this is going and am utterly disgusted that the government has not highlighted the upcoming problem of zombies taking over our streets. Now I realise that they are possibly less destructive and more sociable than most British teenagers but I still think a little warning might not have gone amiss. Since the government are being no help whatsoever and are merely going to post us all a leaflet telling us how not to catch flu, I thought I'd make my own plans.

• I am converting the cupboard under the stairs into a hiding place. I have begun tunnelling into the foundations of the house to make a bigger space as it was a bit cramped with me, the other half and the dog in there, plus 3000 tins of baked beans, a storage tank of water and 2000 bars of soap. There's no need to let hygiene standards slip merely because we are having a crisis. On reflection the beans might not have been the wisest food choice, given the size of our new accomodation but they may have the added bonus of discouraging curious zombies from investigating the cupboard.
• I have bought 52 packs of barbecue kebab sticks and am sharpening them using my pencil sharpener. Everyone knows that zombies cannot survive a wooden stake through the heart so my kebab sticks will prove an efficient yet cost effective way of dealing with intruders. I originally purchased a sling-shot for firing them but in these days of rising obesity I'm not convinced that this is going to be enough so am scouring Ebay for a second hand harpoon which I will customise to fire the sticks. I may buy a second harpoon that can fire washing-line props for the really morbidly obese zombie.
• I am training the dog to attack anyone who looks a bit 'undead'. So far he has attacked 2 drunks, the man across the road who works night shifts and a bramble bush but I'm sure he'll get the hang of it eventually.

So as you can see, I have things under control and am ready for the coming apocalypse. Not sure what I'm going to do with 3000 tins of economy brand beans if this all does come to nothing and the dead do not rise up and attack but I'm sure I'll think of something, And a harpoon that fires kebab sticks will always be useful.